Just another Break up Story…

    
     Well, my dear one, to be honest with you, love and emotions akin are not un-charted territory for me… I’ve treaded these paths before and yet, this time, with you, its so completely different… even I cant explain or even try to fathom the length and girth of all the millions of emotions and zillions of thoughts that are crowding in the heart or probably its the mind…(coz the heart is biologically just a pumping organ its the mind that thinks… emotes- there the biologist and the writer in me struggle once again to reach optimum ground… chuck that…)
There is… there is this changeling feeling… within me… a feeling that never was, ever before… and that’s why… am afraid… worried, that if things don’t go as intended… if I cant keep this promise due to others made before… baby, don’t get involved, don’t get attached… coz if I can’t keep my word to you, I’ll fall apart…
 
...this is the gist of what Aaryan had read out to Pakhee in a cubby hole of a cabin at an internet cafe in the heart of the city where they were pursuing their post graduate degrees. A very odd place for a date but like someone once said, the best date is: ANY Place, ANY Time, just me and her… Probably those words held true here more than any place else… That was one of the few spots that afforded them the privacy, couples like themselves craved for in the bustling city... away from the eyes of their peers and the passers-by who were completely unrelated and yet thoroughly interested in such going ons… exactly the atmosphere in a typical developing Indian city...
     She'd smiled, a smile that let out very little… she'd gone on to praise his writing style... "It’s almost like poetry...” she'd said and like any conceited budding writer, he'd basked in the glory... His words had taken effect he'd felt... as she wrapped him in a tight hug..."I love you… whatever happens...” she said... and he probably wondered if she really meant it…
      Whether it was real keen concern on his part  for the girl he so loved or was it just the tact of a sly fox who wanted to feast on the sheep and not be blamed for it, is an emotion I couldn’t fathom. But he seemed to be contented with the result... was it an expression of care for the girl in his arms... deep care and a relief that he had conveyed his feelings to her or was it just the complacence of a hunter who knew that the hunted had taken bait... it was very difficult to surmise.
     It was nearly 9 months since and both of them were sitting in a secluded cafe not very far away from the cubby hole, it was the end of the term and also of their PG final exams... it was time to go back to their respective worlds… Worlds they had left behind nearly two years ago, back in their own cities... and made one of their own making… Their world was coming to an end and both knew it. It probably could have been otherwise, it could have been a new beginning if only they would have chosen to make it that way… but...
     The cubby hole and their conversation 9months ago, flashed across his mind… life had taken a complete circle... "I don’t love you…" she’d just told him... "I mean I do love you... just not LOVE… LOVE...", she added stressing on the 'LOVE' conveying what she intended... he had smiled... an enigmatic smile, he felt, which would not let on what thoughts were coursing his mind at that pin point in time...
     He spoke nothing for a few moments, just studying her as she sat across the table, his gaze giving out nothing... at least he hoped nothing of the crazed thoughts that coursed through his mind... and he seemed to have the effect he expected..
     They had been together for the past- nearly a year; his thoughts went back to the night when he was sitting comfortably in the Volvo heading back home; he'd covered nearly 2hours of the 11 hour journey back home, it was his birthday the following day and he'd planned to spend it with his family... laid back comfortably in his seat listening to Raven crooning 'You are my Angel, my Darling Angel...' when his mobile buzzed in his jeans pocket… not expecting any one to disturb his peaceful slumber then… irritably he fished it out and his mood changed.. "Tell me, my Angel… wassup?" he said answering the call… after the initial discomfort, the mandatory sweet talk in fledgling relationships, Pakhee'd said in that sweet sing song dis-heartened voice, "Oh… you are going home for your birthday…" she had paused a bit and then continued…"I'd thought..." and her voice had strayed off as if distraught... just the kind of thing to weave yarns around a guy's heart… his heart skipped a beat, "Want me to come back?" he'd asked and she'd replied in the same unsure voice, "will you?"… The network had gone bad just then and the conversation had come to a halt. He'd gotten down at the next stop and traversed the 2 hours back to meet her in a bumpy State transport bus… 'RED BOX' or ‘Lal Dabba’ as it was popularly called... that was what it was indeed… a motorised red box..
     The next day they'd met in the same place, they were sitting now; it had been her idea, “None of our friends go there", she'd said. It was one of their very first dates and they were taking the kind of care a pair would want to, on those first few times... surprisingly, both of them had taken the same precaution all throughout after that… probably both of them didn’t really want to make their charades, public..
     They'd spent his birthday hopping from one joint to another, talking; giggling looking into each other’s eyes, just looking… sitting behind him, on the bike, she'd just started clinging to him closely… they had started exploring the closeness…
     He’d felt a guilt pang when he'd phoned back home and informed that he wouldn’t be able to come coz his college hadn’t permitted the leave... and that pang of guilt shot painfully back again, as he sat in the very same seat once again, today…watching her wringing her fingers in un-ease, her hand moving to her hair putting into place an invisible strand, her face wrought in a sheepish expectant half smile.. "Remember"... she continued, “you were the one who had asked me not to get involved..."
     '…So even she remembers it... and she is using it to her own benefit now...' He smiled inwardly to himself. (This was another time I couldn’t fathom the intent of the character’s emotion… There are some things the characters like to hide even from their creators…) She braced herself, her hand moved  swift but unsure, across the table touching his, "say something", his expression remained unchanged for another- long moment , thinking to himself...'Why did she want to say this now... especially when just yesterday...'
     They had been snogging at his place when his roomie had left the apartment to facilitate their private rezendevous… In his bed, wrapped in each other’s arms; she'd asked him helplessly, "Aaryan, what will be of us?” He’d whispered into her ears, “I’ll do anything in my power to keep us together. But if it doesn’t work... promise me you'll move on...” She had said nothing for a never ending moment her face buried in his chest... then she'd whispered back, “I will...". Even then, his suggestion for her to move on… had left me surprised… was it the sacrifice of an honest lover…or was it the sly fox looking out for a safe exit, again...
     ‘...why after all that??'… He questioned himself... all in his mind of course... those few seconds saw a million emotions flashing through his mind... (probably the sly fox did rejoice in the easy -no pain- escape. Probably he didn’t…) …for less than a fraction of a second his face contorted into what could have been defined as pain, anger, devilish joy any of those banal emotions or a combination of them… but his face was back to the same steadfast smile as his mind raced back once again to days before they really got to being together…
     They had started off being thrown together during the early days of their college when the seniors went around with their timbered down version of what is now a days socially abhorred and legally incriminating -ragging-… Authorised by the Director of the School, the seniors got an opportunity to, 'interact with the freshers… as the Director had himself put it in his introductory address...
     Being the most rebellious and the most active in the batch they had been thrown together… he remembered when the seniors had asked them to role-play... she was to sell vegetables and he was to buy them. Stupid as it seemed, he'd had fun with this trendy vegetable vendor wanting to sell him soya beans n French beans… "Since when did vegetable vendors start selling soya beans", he'd chided her and from then on he'd had her nick named soya bean...
     His smile widened as he sat across her and this confused her further… quite unsure of what was going on behind those twinkling eyes... for a moment she felt a pulse searing pain in her mind... ‘Had she done the right thing???’ She started thinking... ‘Had it been really necessary say, what she had??? They'd probably just have drifted apart naturally and…’, she felt an urge to cry, which she gulped down…
     But he still refused to respond... 'Has he lost it!!!', she questioned herself… while his mind drifted to the time when one of the imbeciles -the seniors- had asked if any of the freshers knew the nursery rhyme-Old Mac Donald... and as was the fate's decree, it had only been these two who'd remembered it… since he'd started calling her Soya Bean, she'd been a bit put off with his overtures and she came over standing very stiffly next to him as they started humming the rhyme but with all the animals on the farm and his charming effervescence…he had overcome all the stiffness by the time they ended their out of tune rhyme.
     They had gone through a large part of the first year, just this way; getting at each other’s nerves sometimes, and yet surprisingly, working perfectly in sync when teamed up. He smiled on as he remembered how they had been purposefully teamed together by their class mates during practicals, for such things don't really go unnoticed. A cat can drink all the milk she wants with it’s eyes closed but others do see it. Always getting on each other's nerves they made a splendid team, always complimenting each other's skills.
      Then again he remembered the time when their class forced them to anchor the farewell party; towards the end of their first year. By then, thanks to the peer pressure and to themselves; they had this very explosive love hate relationship on…
     Memories of the day when most of his class had gathered up at his place… The girls had occupied the living room to put together a dance while the love birds were holed up in Aaryan’s bed room with two of their class mates to get about scripting the anchor's lines... but what ensued among the guys was more of a banter... picking at each other, passing vulgar comments on the chics, while she listened on sitting as if she didn’t exist there. In the midst of it Aaryan happened to make a naughty pass at Pakhee, she screamed and ran after him… both of them ran around the house shouting after each other… taking some of the girls in the living room by surprise; disturbing their formations and creating a ruckus. Annoyed and amused, Monica the choreographer and one of Aaryan's closest chums in the class spiked out, "Love birds…I thought you were working on your script…” Coy and annoyed Pakhee went into Aaryan's room, he followed in and his friends moved out at the same time… "You two stop bugging around and do some productive work", Raj said aloud in mock sternness and "let us enjoy the chics grooving", he added in a whisper as he moved past Aaryan, out of the door.
     Back inside, Aaryan ever ready with his flair for language, quick scripted a few opening lines while Pakhee put on a fake sulk. "Let’s try them out", she suggested after a bit and both of them stood up for rehearsing, as if on stage… Still acting annoyed from the teasing, she was her uptight self as she stood next to him. Looking at her lithe frame slightly shame faced but not un-amused Aaryan said, "Did you take it very bad...erm... the teasing..." Putting his hand across her shoulder..."I am sorry"… he added. Suddenly she clung to him, holding him tight..."no"... is all she uttered…as he held her tighter… for a few moments long or short they didn’t know, coz it felt like eternity...
     Suddenly, jolted back to reality exactly like they were jolted back in those unending moments, when a titter broke off in the living room… Aaryan said..."yes, you are right... I did ask you to not get involved…” She smiled uncomfortably, "I didnt say I didnt love you…It’s just not LOVE… LOVE…" she repeated the expression... "I mean... I dont know what I mean..." she went on... His smile beamed on, obviously relishing her discomfort, "I know what you mean", he said after a moment's pause...
-A short story by -The Word-
 
I care for you,
I like you too…
And that is why, I cant Lie to you…
Oh!…Baby dont love me…
 
Coz all it will do,
is hur~t you..
Oh!.. Baby dont love me…
 
We will play and go astray…
We will make love…just all the day…
But… Oh!… Baby dont love me…
 
Its not just lust…
There’s a lot of trust…
n that’s why I say…
Oh!… Baby dont love me….

 
Author's note- The above short story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to anyone/ any place or any incidents alive or dead is purely coincidential...

soul searching

     Soul searching… is what those people who believe that the soul is at the core of everything would call it… 

     Most around, make no attempts at it, at least no covert ones… and most of those who do are at some stage scared… scared of losing everything- losing their identities in the search… scared of survival… survival, not just at the mundane physical level but at the level of thought…

     They probably fear that if they probe  deeper, the thoughts may go out of control, that they might lose themselves in the fray…. they would lose their identity the -me- in the process and everyone is probably afraid of that…  Losing the -me- that is the rallying point of one’s existence, physical and mental- conscious, sub-conscious, un-conscious…

     Now, that is what, I believe the Sanatan* way of thought talks about when it discusses non-duality- when it says that the seer and the seen ends, the seeker and the sought ends… the thinker and the thought ends…

      Not a stage beyond conscious thought- delving into sub-conscious or un-conscious layers but a stage beyond thought as an absolute. Coz, if the -me-, the source all thought ends, wouldn’t the thought end for the wont of the thinker???…

     Or would the thought go on, just as thoughts without an origin and unto no end… is that the fear??? That one would end up, just a jangle of thoughts no beginning, no aim and no end, no identity except that of being a complex confounding jangle!!! and no one to perceive that identity either…

          A funny state of affairs to perceive, now, when one can actually think, when the thinker and the thought are both still intact… 

     That is probably why we see across the world-

     …people seeking solace in cults, communities, religions, religious leaders, guiding spirits and gurus offering peace- promising the bliss of knowing the secret to perennial happiness, but what most end up preaching is, things like, how to keep positive thought stepped up by regulating the thought process in a particular way or mechanical/physical techniques of increasing certain types of endorphins that keep one in a bliss - like state..

                                                     OR

     …people rallying around hard rock bands that jamb the thoughts using sound and other intoxicants to create similar bliss like states…

…sadly none of these actually give permanent bliss…

The _Word.

P.S.- Sanatan way of thought- the thought process that bears origin in the  Sanatana Dhara- Jambhudweepa the Indian sub continent, often mis-nomered the Hindu religion.

love a wierd one- flings, affairs, explanations and answers.. part three

Someone, a very dear someone, once asked me, if I was running away from love… lets answer her today and hope she’s chances upon it, sometime in her life… however far into the future, the chance event happens…

     Nope, I haven’t ever run away from love, in fact I have always stared it in the face… and tasted it in a myriad flavours and yet, the flavour that I seek, the traces of which I carry in my mind- conscious, sub-conscious or un-conscious, I know not myself, but I know it’s there, for each time, I taste a new flavour, find it in a new form, I know, that’s not what I seek…

…..at times, it feels, like I have found it… yes, finally I have, the heart skips many beats and the mind races on mindlessly, it seems that it’s all there, every bit of the essence that I seek, the sweet music of romance reaches a crescendo, bliss knows no bounds and then it all collapses… collapses like a palace, a large palace…a beautiful palace… a palace of cards…

     ...then, I wake up, as if from a dream… knowing that, it wasn’t  for real… it just felt like it was… it was love, but not what was sought… not the flavour, that lingers on the tip of the tongue, but never quite settles down… there is never an absolute, always some ingredient missing…

     Shattered, I wake up… but surprisingly good to go, probably coz, I’m used to it, now or coz, I’m wired that way or maybe I realise that I haven’t really lost anything, that was mine to lose and on I move again, in search of the feeling, the flavour that’s mine… one that I hope, (I hope against hopes hopen!!! As Mr Nash* puts it…) dost exist… but I know not, if it does…

*Mr Nash- the poet- Ogden Nash

-The Word.

love a wierd one- flings, affairs, explanations and answers.. part two

     There was a professor, that I once knew, who took one of his students out on a `lunch date’ and the affectionate relationship he shared with this student was a hot topic of discussion across the department. Now, once the student confessed to the professor, that she couldn’t define what she felt for him, but whatever it was- was a very special feeling…  The married, gentleman-rogue professor, in his turn, hugged the girl and told her that some relationships needn’t be named or defined.  Now there would be those, who would abuse the professor and pass him off for a lecher, for playing around with someone half his age and a student, at it… and there would be others who would appreciate the mutual affection, maturity and the platonic nature of the relationship…( I personally can do neither…)

    

     On another such occasion, I tried to dig into another such intelligent mind, who was a publicly signed off philander and he came up with a very interesting thought process, rather long but very simply put,” there is love in degrees…relative love,” he said to me, “I may love the A more than B… so when a girl asks, how can you love her if you love me or vice versa… I may be tongue tied for the wont of the ability to explain this fundamental of `relativity of love’ but it exists none the less…”…” then there is the burden of ethical loyalty involved in goings on like these…”, he went on, as if he’d never gotten a chance to explain his point of view, before, “ a burden imposed, probably not unreasonably by the society and the culture that has evolved there in… when, you love someone, you have to be loyal to her, they say… I agree to this in effect that, even though I may love A, B and many more so, I can never love another, the way I love A, my love for A is very unique and unmatched for, I can never emote for another, the way I emote for her… and such is the case for the B and everyone else that I love… in fact there is no scope for being dis-loyal… You can’t love two individuals the very same way… for the simple reason that they are two different individuals… and if the argument for loving only one person held any sense, then no one would go beyond loving their own mothers, who is the first person, I believe, one loves in all his/her life, though that is love in a different flavour completely, but it is love, none the less… “…. Now that was such a long soliloquy that I didn’t want to add any further sentence breaks in that one…  now, whether you call it just an excuse to clear his own conscience off his shenanigans or a honest expression of an understanding of thought process break down, is for every individual to analyse…

Cont..d in part three...

love a wierd one- flings, affairs, explanations and answers..

“What I feel for you, is the closest, that I can feel to love for any one… probably, I’m just wired that way...” 

     Love tis such a weird one… a very funny and a complicated emotion. There may be thousands nary millions who’ve written books over it, talked words worth miles if measured in length...  Each one perceives it as it appears to him/her. Multi-layered and splendiferous, it leaves no one untouched… though the degrees of contact, understanding and perception may vary and so may the approaches… There is love in Moulin Rouge, Hir Ranjhaa, Laila Majnu… the romanticised, glamourized version, the so called eternal, platonic love… (…as platonic as it can be, when two passionate lovers are involved) … the love that metaphorically lasts for ever...

    Then there is the love the fickle one, that changes by the season, passionate while it last and fizzles out just as fast… and then it catches up again, just as passionately, but with another muse… there will be a million out there, who would detest their sacred idea of love to be made so mundane and crass so as to call these flings- love, but tis love, none the less… one has to experience it to know, its love…

     And of course, there is more to the types of love than just these, every relationship augers a different flavour of love, the love between a parents and children, the love between siblings, friends, people in a community, country … and god knows where else this emotion will blossom….

     There was a professor, that I once knew, who took one of his students out on a `lunch date'.....



Cont..d in part two...

Nothing worth a few sleepless nights

     The work and a few tuppence earned off it are definitely not worth the long hours and the sleepless nights that you put in towards it, even if you are doing it for a friend.
      A lesson learn the hard way, but you learn these things when you’re into business. The sooner you learn it, the better, coz a friend who wishes to pay less and yet wishes for work more than the worth he is willing to pay for is more difficult than the most demanding customer who wishes to get similar work done.
     He’ll pester you worse than a regular customer, coz it is ‘work with-in the house’ (indianism-ghar ka kaam)but he will want to pay far lesser, of course the reason is the same.
    …plus he has the perfect argument ready- if I wanted to pay any more for it, I could have gotten it done from a professional… Here he insults you twice as much, insinuating that, just coz you are from ‘with-in the household’, you are any less professional than the professional he could have paid more.
   Such is the thankless nature of a job that you do for a close one… he expects the best possible professional work done at the at the lowest possible cost. The cost of our services decided by his highness, himself… and if the work doesn’t meet his expected standards, he is still free to bad mouth us, for our un-professional attitude and shoddy word...
     However, its difficult to turn down these un-professional work offers, for they still hold the right to say, “He acts so professional , can’t offer a bit of help, to a friend in need”… if you turn down the work and now, being ‘professional’ is the worst kind of abuse that can be tagged  on to you.
     A mutual friend in the know, had a funny suggestion, “Use his own tactics to beat him at his own game, “he suggested,” its simple,” he went on as I looked at him confused, “ don’t try and convince those whom he’s already, told his story, go about telling a larger crowd around us, about his miserly behaviour and how he misused the friendship, don’t try to beat him by trying to rub the line he’s drawn, just draw a line longer than his own, let more people know of what he’s up to… you are a promotions person, you know the simple rule, don’t you…” he kidded me, I just nodded and smiled, coz, doing that would just lead to another vicious circle…

Musings of another day…

 

Again in the midst of crowd n conversations, the mind strays afar into uncharted territory. An age old habit which ceases to die, however hard I go for the kill. The changeling emotivity gravitating between extremes at an untoward rate… I watch with humour, how it flits from calm to chaos and back. Funny… like Jiddu ji* says, the observer and the observed being the same, develop a duality, not much unlike the mundane and the sublime. Inherently singular, reflectively dual… all about the point of view isn’t it!?!?!?

Someone once told me, he found what I wrote, very complicated… and I laughed, not at him but at myself… Complicated aint I!!!... And there I plunged again… My love for this crooked fetish of non-stop thought and berserk but controlled emotion… a very weird kind of process one would say… and I wouldn’t dis-agree…

Giving all emotions to the dogs and discarding the exhibitionism in the blogs...

Cutting crap and getting real; playing with the thought- unreal…

Feeling and not fleeing from it…

Flailing all rules and basking in the fool’s paradise…

Emoting every given emotion in the emotions rack….

Trudging across every nary crossed track…

*Jiddu ji- J Krishnamurthy… the one man who thought out of the box and didn’t think much of it…